Lonely but not alone

Im still at my partents´visiting and today my grandparents were here as well, we celebrated my brothers 22nd birthday with cake and stuff.
I was anxious and got annoyed with my grandmother´s shrill voice and the fact that she talkes so much with that voice. But she is nice though and she gave me a bit of money too, I always need that and she knows it.

On the Seroquel-issue; Ive noticed nothing today except that Im tired. I guess thats good, it might work for me then. Tomorrow is the first day without Haldol, that´ll be nice.

Im still homesick. When I get home on monday, Im gonna buy beer and lounge at the computor and write on my book. There arent enough books written BY people with schizofrenia in my humble opinion. Maybe I should try to get my book published, then I would be a writer for real. I would be something other than schizo.

I also plan to put togeather a book of poetry about schizofrenia.

But right now I want to sleep, but its not that late yet and I think thats stupid.
Its Saturday night and all I want to do is sleep. Thats a bit sad.

Homesick

At the moment I am visiting my parents and Ive been here for about 24 hours, Im homesick already. For some reason I get so extremly anxious being here. Right now the levell of anxiety is bordering on panic even though I am currently quite heavily medicated. Damn, I wonder how it would be with out mediciation. I dont think I could cope with that, it would be a nightmare.
This is second full day on Seroquel, I feel stiff and bloated and my breathing is quite heavy.
Todays dose was 100 mg in the morning and 200 mg in the evening.
I also hade to take sedatives, afraid of what would happen if I didnt. I cant break down here, I cant. My dad would have a heart attack and the emergency is half and hour away.
Back home, I can WALK to the emergency on half an hour.

Im trying to figure out why I feel so stressed and anxious today.
It might have to do with Seroquel.
It is surely part that I went to a huge low-price store today, packed with people.
Its definantly being here at my parents place, where I dont really feel at ease and Im constantly stressed out over that they might start to argue anytime about any small thing. Also my dad drinks alot at times and you never know when he´s going to do that.

Fortunatly time passes quickly. Im going home soon and I just hope I can keep sane til then.
Keep calm....cool...No panic-attacks.....no psychosis

I think my bloodpressure is quite high right now, I can feel my heard pounding hard.

I wish so bad that I was at home instead, a bit drunk, lying in bed with F, drifting off to sleep.....

.............but that aint happening.

Seroquel

My psychiatrist came through and sent me a prescription for Seroquel and instructions on how to increase the dose day by day. So now Im switching from Haldol to Seroquel finally.
I started on Wednesday evening by taking 100 mg Seroquel, it made me sleepy.
On Thursday I took 100 mg in the morning and 100 mg in the evening, again it made me quite tired and my nose feels like I have a cold, but this is side-effects that I was prepared for and they will probably pass within a couple of weeks or so.
Today- Friday- Im taking 100 mg in the morning and 200 mg in the evening.
On Sunday I will take the last dose of Haldol, then Ill be rid off that evil drug that make me shake and shiver. It will be interssting.

Otherwise life is what it is.
Im now sittning in my parents kitchen with mum´s laptop and a cup of coffee, waiting for mum to come home so we can go shoppning.
I came by train to my parents yesturday and will stay here till Monday, since my brother just got home from Thailand and its his birthday. He got me a nice little bag in black and white and cigarrettes.
I was very glad to see my little turtle again, he is so adorable.

On Wednesday I was at Kinkynights Light - a bunch of people into BDSM and Fetish that meet up to talk and drink coffee/beer/cider and have a nice chat.
My flirt from new years was the on break from his school and it was nice seeing him again.
After a few beers and some chatting, he asked if he could come home with me and I though why not?! So he did and we had a nice time, even to he kept steeling the covers all night which was kind of annoying.
I really like him and his company, but Im not sure that there´s anything more than that really.
We´ll just have to wait and see I guess....and then the ghost of Mr X is always around somehow.

Nightmares

I was so tired yesturday that I decided to go to bed early, but I couldnt sleep until after 01. Then I drifted off into to slumberland, waking up every once in a while from uncanny nightmares that I dont really remember.
I probably dreamed about bein put into hospital, thats what I often dream. Or perhaps I had a psychotic dream as I call them. They are dreams, bizarre dreams that seem very psychotic. Once for example, I dreamed that I was cutting up fish, when acctually I had killed someone and was cutting up the body. Very uncanny indeed.

Around 08 this morning I woke up and decided - no more nightmares and got up. Only to realize that I had forgotten my medication yesturday, so all morning has been a hell of abstinens from the meds.
Now todays dose of Efexor, Haldol and Abilify is kicking in and I feel more normal now.

Tomorrow Im going to see my psychiatrist, she is nice, so it will probably go well.
We´ve talked about switching from Haldol to Seroquel so I may get a new prescription then. I really want to get rid of Haldol cause it makes me shiver and sake and that is very tedious.
Im also gonna talk to her about getting something else for my anxiety, I know that Stesolid works faster that Sobril - Sobril is what I have now. So perhaps that would be a better choice.
It now takes about an hour befor Sobril sets in and calms me down. Ive heard that Stesolid only takes about half an hour, which sound better to me.
I really hate the anxiety I get, Ive tried many ways of calming my self down but to no avail. Although, It has been worse I guess. A few years ago I had such terrible panic-attacks that I sometimes started hyperventilating and would sometimes pass out on the floor. Very scary.

Its now been a year since I was last hospitalized and I cant help but wonder when madness or depression is gonna strike next and put me away again.
Last year I was hospitalized for two months due to depression and insomnia.
Eventually, I got out cause I couldnt stand it anymore. Too many patients, too much life in the ward. I needed to be alone, to be at home. I just couldnt stay there.

Therapy?

Yes Therapy? Not the rock-band, but the emotionally straining thing they call therapy.
Im thinking about it now, again. But not individual therapy this time - group therapy. I cant spend an hour in center of attention, therefore, I think group-therapy would be best for me.
The ideal would be a group of young people with schizofrenia, people like me. Who can talk about problems and try to help eachother.
Ive searched the net now but cant find much about group therapy for schizos here in Gothemburg.
Just my luck, when I finally feel like Im ready for it.

Otherwise, I had a major anxiety attack yesturday, but thanks to my sedatives I managed it.
A little while ago I felt the anxiety coming on again, so sedatives today as well I afraid. And som low-alcohol beer too. I know, I know, I shouldnt drink and take pills, but I can manage it, I always do.
Dont critezise me untill you´ve been in my shoes.

Furthermore, I will try to get up at 10 AM tomorrow and go to see what that "womens groups" is all about.
Havent been at Gyllenkroken in quite some time now, its a good place. I should go there more often.
Perhaps I should present to them my idea of a support-group for young people to the people working there.
They have a group for kids with mentally ill parents, a group for women, so why not a group for young people?


Some people have asked me why I write in English here, since Im swedish. Its quite easy, I can express my self quite nicely in English and this is one way of using my english skills.

My Bloody Valentine

Today is one of the most horrific days of the year according to me.
Its Valentines day! When love is supposed to be in the air and yadi yadi yadi.

Im single, Ive been singel most of my life except for about two months when I acctually had a boyfriend.
Of course that didnt work out at all.
This stupid invention of Valentines day just makes me feel all the more alone in the world. Wishing I had someone in my life, someone special but it aint happening anytime soon apparently.
So I guess I just get drunk today in stead......and listen to Moneybrother or extreem black metal is probably more in cue with my mood. I just hate the world to day, I hate my life, my self, my illness and of course I also hate pigeons still.

Ive spent the day sleeping and talking to a new aquaintance on MSN.
Time is now 04.20 PM and I will open a beer.Cheers!


On monday I have to be up early to go and see Dr Brain again. I am acctually looking a bit farward to it, I like Dr Brain. We have to talk about my medication, more specificly Haldol - which I hate, it makes my shiver and shake so much that Im afraid of dropping things. I have to switch it so something else otherwise I will stop taking it for sure.
Otherwise Ive been extreemly good at taking my meds and refilling the pillbox lately. I havent missed a days dose in weeks acctually, so yeah I a bloody good girl.

Memories

Yesturday I went to see my new psychiatrist, Dr Brain (Yes, that is her real name!). Ive only met her once before so I was a bit nervous and didnt really know what I was going to say.
The meeting went well though, she asked me some questions about how I am when Im psychotic or depressed. Hard questions that Im not really glad to think about, but its important for her to know. She asked me about voices, how I percieve them and what they say to me.
Dr Brain´s questions made me dig in my memories a lot, which made me a bit uneasy and depressed, but I managed it quite well anyway.
We talked about my medication as well, pondering weather to continue with Haldol or to change it to Seroquel or Zeldox. But I will sitll be on Abilify as well.Im not sure its such a good idea, but we´ll see. We also talked about lowering my anti-depressant medication Effexor, but she didnt want to do that yet, she wants to get to know me a bit first in case I get sick from it. Good idea probably.

Today I had to get up at 7 Am cause they are coming to change our toilett, we´ll get a bran new one.
So now its 10 Am and they are still not here and Im bored sick and Im tired as well.
At 12 Am my home-support person will come, but I will probably be to tired to do anything today. I feel like I dont have a brain or something.

Last week I was interviewed by a journalist friend of mine for an article about schizofrenia. He´s freelancing so he´s not sure if the article will be published though, but it might be.